


One Day In Therapy

by PmRhoads



Category: Silent Hill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-15
Updated: 2015-05-15
Packaged: 2018-03-30 16:56:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3944458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PmRhoads/pseuds/PmRhoads
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pyramid Head goes to Dr. Kauffman's for anger issues. Really severe anger issues. At the doctor's office he finds Walter Sullivan, Butcher, Vincent, Boogeyman, Valtiel and Maria. All goes well for about one second before all Hell breaks loose. Carnage, violence and humor ensue</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Day In Therapy

Bursting through the door like a bulldozer, Pyramid Head stormed into the room. Behind him, he dragged his Great Knife, the blade slicing through the plush tan carpeting. He had spent a week trying to find his beloved weapon after James had stolen it. Finally he found it stuck in a toilet in the Lakeview Hotel with several crude penis drawings on it.

"Sir please check your weapon" A lying figure named Humphrey politely asked from behind a partition. In the background, Twilight played on mute along with Team Edward plastered on the walls inside the cubicle. Pyramid Head noticed the lying figure also wore an I love Edward T-shirt along a tattoo of the vampire's face.

Grumbling, Pyramid Head responded "Sure no problem"

Instead of handing over his weapon, he swung the knife with all his might. The edge gouged through the rich cherry paneling before cracking through the glass. Before the creature could react, the blade sliced through his neck as his head slid greasily from his shoulders. With a soft thump, his body dropped to the floor as Pyramid Head chuckled

"Check that bitch. And by the way, I hate that pussy ass bitch of a vampire" He replied as he opened the door to the waiting room

Feet thudding on the floor, he walked by a row of empty chairs until he happened upon a familiar sullen figure

"Well, well if it isn't Walter Sullivan" Pyramid Head growled his voice echoing in his helmet. "Not so tough now are we since your big plan failed"

"What about you?" Walter snapped back brushing aside his lanky blonde hair "You were killed by a human"

Punching a hole through the wall, Pyramid Head leaned in closer clutching Walter by his ragged shirt.

"Bitch, I didn't die for the last fucking time just incapacitated" He shouted as his anger escalated from boiling to nuclear meltdown "Look at me now bitch. James is dead drowned himself in the lake and I'm still here. I wish you would've stayed dead"

"Excuse me Pyramid Head sir? Please be nice to the other patients" A bobble head nurse named Irene asked tapping him on the shoulder

Whirling around, Pyramid Head clutched her around the throat hoisting her into the air

"NICE? How about I gouge out your eyes and skullfuck you?" He shouted as the nurse squirmed helplessly

Another deafening crash resounded causing Pyramid Head to turn around as he dropped the nurse. When he saw the figure silhouetted in the door, he emitted a Godzilla like roar.

"YOU!" The Butcher and Pyramid exclaimed in unison

Like bull rhinos, they charged each other with Pyramid Head spearing the Butcher into the wall. Dust fell like snow from the ceiling as the entire building rocked on its foundation. Shaking his head, Butcher bolted out of the hole catching Pyramid Head with a wicked clothes line. In a fluid motion, he suplexed him through an end table causing Creepers to scatter everywhere. Climbing a chair, Butcher went for a flying elbow doing his best Macho Man impersonation

"OHHHH YEAH, big ugly you're going down" Butcher bellowed as Walter cheered him on

Instead of connecting, Pyramid Head rolled out of the way causing Butcher to crash through the remnants. With his girth, the Butcher disappeared head first into the floor, struggling like a turtle on his back. Staggering to his feet, Pyramid Head patiently waited for his foe to rise up. When he did, Pyramid Head kicked him in the stomach then delivered a Stone Cold Stunner.

"And that's the bottom line cause I say so bitch" Pyramid Head exclaimed flashing the middle finger as he stood over his fallen adversary. Chuckling, he prepared to finish him off as he picked the Butcher up by his helmet. In a blinding flash, the Butcher delivered a devastating uppercut to Pyramid Head's crotch

"Pussy ass bitch" Pyramid Head sang in a high pitched soprano voice. Collapsing to his knees, he clutched his precious jewels as Butcher laughed in his face

"Ha, ha who's the bitch now?" Walter hollered, slapping his knee as tears streamed down his face

Anger boiling over, Pyramid Head gripped the Butcher by his filthy apron. Despite his groin aching, he jumped up his helmet catching the Butcher under his chin. Quickly, he scooped up his stunned foe and launched him like a lawn dart straight into Walter's lap. Both of them crashed through the wall, sending nurses scattering in all directions.

"And the winner is me brotha" Pyramid Head exclaimed as he did his best Hulk Hogan imitation. As he flexed his biceps, a blinding searing pain erupted in his groin

"Oy, me balls" He complained as he hobbled over to a chair. "Rotten bitch is going to die if I can't rape anymore"

As he massaged his groin, he detected a faint rustling above him

"You just don't learn do you?" A soft voice said

Looking up, Pyramid Head found Valtiel stuck to the ceiling like a mutant lizard

"A callous brute whose sexual perversions are equaled only by his love of carnage" Valtiel stated as he dropped into the room

"Hello bitch face" Pyramid Head answered trying but failing to find a comfortable spot. He believed his balls had swollen to the size of grapefruits or even watermelons. At this rate, he wouldn't be able to rape for weeks which brought a scowl to his face

"Crude languages as well, my you are a sorry specimen" Valtiel said crawling over to the coffee maker. Pouring a steaming cup, he decided on a raspberry Danish though he should have been watching his weight. If he met Heather again, he didn't want to be as fat as an Insane Cancer.

"Apparently your group anger sessions with the Butcher haven't paid off. Mmm French roast" Valtiel said, sipping his coffee. "You two have wreaked havoc all over Silent Hill. He kills a few nurses, you kill more. He kills a few of those Caliban creatures, you kill them and carve bitch into them. Every monster is hiding from you two and your month long bloody wrath. Before I came here, I went to Midwich Elementary and the grey children fled in terror. You kill them too?"

Pyramid Head roared with laughter pointing a finger at Valtiel "No, not killed bitch"

"Then what?" Valtiel inquired

"I watched Old School with Will Ferrell and went streaking through the school "His laughter rose sounding like an avalanche

"Oh dear lord" Valtiel mumbled, shaking his head in disgust

"Like you haven't done anything bad"

"NO. I spend my days doing refined things like writing prose or painting. Instead of watching wrestling and porn like you, I enjoy Masterpiece Theater, Oprah and Rachel Ray. I've even planted a garden" Valtiel replied

"Don't forget about dreaming about you girly friend" Pyramid Head mocked

"Leave her out of this" Valtiel snarled crushing his coffee cup

"Heather and Valtiel sitting in a tree" Pyramid Head sang making rude kissing sounds "Bitch needs a real monster. Someone who can show her a good time like yours truly"

Before he could react, Valtiel clutched his sore balls in an iron tight grip. Leaning in, Valtiel hissed spitefully at Pyramid Head

"Don't you ever mention her name again, understand?"

"Yes" Pyramid Head replied in a high pitched voice as he squirmed around

"What? I can't hear you?" Valtiel sneered

"I'm sorry, I'll never mention her name again I promise" Pyramid Head whined, feeling like Valtiel had tore off his balls. Not even James had given him a pain this intense, this torturous.

"Very good bitch" Valtiel squeezed again sending Pyramid Head screeching as he jumped out of his chair

Releasing his grip, Valtiel grabbed an Esquire magazine then crawled back up onto the ceiling.

"God damn Butcher, lay off the Mexican" Walter coughed sharply as he stumbled back into the room

"It wasn't that bad" Butcher chuckled

"Not bad? You just killed every creature within a 50ft radius you big oaf" He motioned behind him to the twitching nurses who had suffered the brunt of the blast. Above them, creepers rained down upon them as several lying figures desperately sought out fresh air

Giving the sulking Pyramid Head a wide berth, Walter and Butcher took seats across from him. Each took turns harassing him with off color jokes about his aching balls. Instead of retaliating, Pyramid Head ground his knuckles his pride hurting worse than his balls.

With a hearty hello, Vincent barged into the waiting room smiling from ear to ear as if he had just won the lottery.

"Boy, what a bunch of sad sacks" He observed adjusting his neon blue tie

"Now how is a dead man walking? Claudia presumably killed you did she not?" Valtiel asked

"Tough skin" He answered, opening his repulsive puke green shirt. Thick bandages wound around his pasty skin ending below a My Little Pony tattoo. "Yep, old Claudia is dead but Vincent is still alive and kicking"

"What is your purpose here then?" Valtiel said

"I have been having um issues with my um mother" Vincent said embarrassed as his face turned a deep crimson "She grounded me for what I did with Claudia. She took away my collection of dolls" Too late to retract the statement, Vincent clamped his hands over his mouth as his red face darkened.

Valtiel stifled a laugh while Butcher and Walter haggled him as he sought to compose himself. Chocking down a glass of water, Vincent approached Pyramid Head as everyone realized this wouldn't end well for old pretty boy.

"Cheer up buddy, everything will be okay. Maybe you can come to dinner one night" Vincent said slapping him on the back

Before he could scream, Pyramid Head turned him into a Scud missile as Valtiel scuttled out of the way. Crashing through the doors, he flew out into the hall as nurses scattered in all directions. With a sickening crash, he bounced off the wall landing in a dirty laundry bin

"Was it something I said?" He groaned as he rubbed his head

"Impressive aim" Valtiel observed

In the doorway, a huge shadow spilt into the room like a massive oil slick

"Here we are sir" A nurse said leading a giant of a man into the room. Dressed in a heavy black rubber rain coat that stretched to his rubber boats, a menacing gas mask obscured his face. In his gloved hands, he dragged a hammer consisting of a cinder block on a metal pole.

"Thanks you nice lady" He replied his voice sounding like he had a mouth full of cotton

"And who might you be sir?" Valtiel asked the giant who looked around the room in a confused state

"Me? Umm" The giant replied looking at a sticker on his coat "Oh I bogeyman" He said followed by a rumbling laugh

"Pleasure to meet you sir, the name is Valtiel"

"Nice to meet you scary man" He answered crushing Valtiel's hand in an iron tight grip

As Valtiel massaged his hand, a thunderous laughter echoed throughout the room

"Are you fucking serious?" Pyramid Head chortled "Is he supposed to be scary? He's nothing more than a brainless idiot. A pathetic monster from a low budget monster movie"

As Pyramid Head roared with laughter, Valtiel motioned Bogeyman for his hammer. Hefting the heavy weapon, he crawled sneakily above Pyramid Head. With a hefty swing, he brought the weapon down on the peak of his helmet with the sound like a church bell. Cement shards exploded everywhere as Pyramid Head groaned then toppled forward with the impact of an atomic bomb.

"Timber" Walter hollered punching Butcher in the arm

"Screw you bitch" Butcher added spitting in Pyramid Head's direction

As they cheered, the door to the doctor's office opened

"Maria, you are no longer a manifestation but a real woman at last. You can be who you want to be instead of what another person wanted you to be" Dr. Michael Kauffman said shaking her hand

"I'm going on Oprah then to Vegas baby" Maria exclaimed then froze when she saw the prone body of Pyramid Head

"You died am I not correct?" Valtiel asked her

"I thought so but I woke up in Heaven's Night with a vague memory of what happened. Fuck you, you sick perverted creep. I'm glad you are dead James" Then with a flick of her hair she walked out

"Duh pretty lady" Bogeyman said, trying to sneak a peek up her thigh length skirt. Maria found out and promptly bitch slapped him across the face

Once Maria left, Walter took his turn hoping to solve his issues about a fetish he developed involving rubber ducks and duct tape. After Walter, Valtiel took Butchers turn since Butcher would have to wait for Pyramid Head to wake up.

"So Valtiel do you still have issues regarding Heather?" Dr. Kauffman asked

"I cant get her out of my head" He removed a picture from his tunic "First she was scared to death of me doc. Then at the end, when I saved her from the church, she accepted me. I still remember her touch"

"You realize the Order is seeking revenge against her" Dr. Kauffman responded adjusting his tie

"Let them. I'll kill all who try to harm her. In case you forgot no one can kill me" Valtiel's icy words of malice caused the doctor to sink deeper into his chair

From beyond the door, a deafening crash sounded like a plane had plowed into the building. Jumping up from the chair, Michael flung open the door to find Pyramid Head fully awake and on the warpath. Two nurses lay dead, their heads crushed like tomatoes, while another crawled away from the carnage. Furniture had been strewn like a tornado had spawned while a gaping hole yawned in the ceiling. In the far corner, Bogeyman cowered shielding his head as he whimpered

"Who's my bitch fuck face? Who's daddy Pyramid Head's bitch?" Pyramid Head bellowed clutching the Butcher in a head lock

"I'm your bitch" Butcher whimpered as Pyramid Head punched him in the nose

"Fuck right you are. You're my bitch and I ought to skull fuck your ugly face"

"Nurse Lisa, please take care of this matter will you?" Michael calmly asked

From the shadows in the corner, Nurse Lisa stepped forward looking like she had been dug up from a grave. Wearing a tattered nurse's uniform, dried blood and dirt had caked her blond hair. Multiple stitches held her face in place along with a ring of them around her neck. A patch covered one eye while the other looked like murky like dirty water

Like a zombie she lurched over to a desk removing a massive assault rifle bracing it on the desk. Letting loose a garbled war cry, the gun exploded deafening like thunder. Multiple darts zipped through the air, embedding deep into Pyramid Head's chest. Dropping the Butcher, Pyramid Head teetered then collapsed to the floor.

"Well now that is settled let's get back to business" Michael said "Okay, my advice is to forget all about Heather. It's going to wind up consuming you. Besides she wants human friends not you"

"Guess you're right doc" Valtiel sighed "I'll stop this infatuation with Heather as soon as I leave here"

"Good, glad to hear that. Remember your next appointment is Wednesday at noon" Michael said excitedly shaking Valtiel's hand

Sliding off the chair, Valtiel exited the room finding Butcher with an ice pack to his head. Pyramid Head snored like a dragon with the word bitch scrawled across his helmet. Chuckling, Valtiel left the room passing a wobbly Vincent in the hall.

Though he had promised to forget Heather, her face popped in his mind as he left the hospital. Smiling, he wondered if she would like the chocolate soufflé he had been working on. His thoughts were interrupted when a crash of glass resounded behind him.

Flying through the window, the Butcher soared through the air landing headfirst through the roof of Dr. Kauffman's car. Seconds later, Vincent imitated a meteor landing head first into a tree.


End file.
